Rambles of a sick

windows has been doing such a crappy job mantaining their socail website. I was already a buddle of nerves when this page finally unfolded. But the moment has nearly gone!!

what did I plan to say? ah. can i get someone to interrogate about why I haven’t been able to see many of friends’ pages for godknows how long? based on a particular case of my sis’, I can draft a coarse conculsion,which is that MSN is a complete uncompetent mother-fucker.

I never use profanity unless under some extreme circumstance. yeah i am pretty on edge. this summer is so unbearably long and time doesn’t seem to be willing to take a break. Rottening home is the last thing you ever wanna try in the history of the world yet i was somehow left no choice but so in this summer. Ppl might say I am pretty lucky already having everything one can desire, but yet that’s perfect bullshit. I want to do something and make everyday fulfilled, sitting idlly fliping over some chick lit or surfing unpurposely on internet doesnt exactly fall into the category. How pathetic is that?!?!?!?! sometimes i just wanna terminate myself for being such an ass. lazybone . Idle slack.

I cant feel any cerebal activities recently. maybe that has something to do with the TV programs which assume the audience are retarded.

Yeah if I haven’t got myself hurt in late june and forced to be stay put in bed for nealy a month, things might have been diffrent for me now. I would have started earlier learning how to drive or even put some strings to find myself an internship. But none of these happened. When I decided to go take the language classes in Paris, I thought I knew what I was doing. One year off. Big deal? but now, one year seems just awfully way too long for me, and terribly too high a price to cost at my age.I honestly regret this year, I made a mistake taking one year learning french which turned out to be a total wast of time!

If I keep talking this way, next thing would be stabbing myself in the chest so i better stop and try to think positively.

POSITIVE : I’ve read several books since i got home. One being in french, one being in English. several being English magazines and others Chinese. Nicolas et ses vacances hardly left me any impression and it is indeed written in a childish and simple language so that i went through it quiet easily with great pleasure. The plots look simple but if you think about it, the wits presented of a child are amazing! or you could say that’s the constructuring work of the author, if you will. But it takes all the more credits for the author, as the designations and engineering taken to device the whole thing into a perfect combination of inncent child’s mind representation and smart stories are genuis. It is just a lot of fun reading it, I love reading all the bits where Papa overreaches himself and got played around by the kids and his wife. Hilarious!! Then there was PS I love you. one cheesy yet best-seller chick lit that i bought in Thailand. After having watched the movie, this story persisted haunting me. It was a 600 page novel which intimidated me at first coz i was not accustomed to read anything that long except textbooks..but once I plonged in it, I was totally hooked up to it.Several days later I flipped over the last page with tears welling up in my eyes.A moving and touching romance, written in a delicate humor. Recommanded. then there is this book I have wild open under my nose RIGHT NOW. it’s called Les Enfants Oublies. Some old book given as a gift from a friend, she meant it a help for me in the process of my bleak struggle learning french. well. I just open it TODAY. After the first chapter, I was convinced that it didnt appeal to me at all but dad was there reading Spanish with the Air conditioner off, so I got no guts playing the unworthy daughter who hadnt herited anything from my exemplary dad. Fear and cowardice pushed me to go through the second chapter which narrated a whole different story as in the first chapter and that was where i got puzzled. Then dad left , I read the third chapter finding a new story began..Ok this book began looking interesting to me…. I might just as well continue with it. it’s not like i have anything better to do.

I reflect on the state of mine very often. not in a MOI HYPERPATHIÉ way. but in a pathological way, i came gradually to realise that this would be some kind of mental disease. Probably depression , as my symptons being lacking interest in ,well, everything, and psysically weak. People tend to think i lost my mind on hearing the word Depression out of my mouth.They think I’m pulling their legs.but for christsake, I dont have any sense of humor! Especially the people who love you so much that worries subconsciously blind them from seeing the truth.

THE END